"You never leave someone behind, You take a part of them with you, And you leave a part of yourself behind"
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Saturday, September 25, 2010
Friday, September 24, 2010
Last night I lost all hope. I went to work at12pm. I was fine most of the day, I missed him all day, but in the evening i started to miss him so much more. I felt like I couldn't breathe, not until i saw him again. I text him, asked if i could see him. He replied with a cold "No". right away i started tearing but i wiped my tears and tried hard to hide it. My mom noticed and asked me what had happened i said "nothing" and walked to the restroom so she wouldn't see me. when i came out she asked "It was a text huh? i saw you looking at your phone" i said no. she grabbed my phone from the drawer under the cash register and started going through the messages. I had already erased them, so she didn't find anything. Then she said "If you feel that bad why don't you text him? Send him a nice message it's not going to hurt him". If only she knew. I felt so bad but decided to give it another try. What's the worst that can happen, he'll reject me again? not like i can hurt much more. I made up my mind not to get my hopes up, and I sent him another text, "coffee and a cigarette? 30mins only." He replied "you closed?" I didn't expect that, so it made me a smile...i will see him! i asked him to pick me up at 8:30, he did, The first thing he said when i got in his truck was "you have to stop this". We went to Winchell's. We spent many nights at that coffee shop when we first met, 4 1/2 years ago. So many great memories. My first GREAT KISS, the kind that make you feel like you're floating. I also asked him to be my boyfriend there. We went inside, got our coffees, got out. We sat in the back of his truck. again he said "you have to stop this".............
I can't keep writing...what am i doing. just hurting myself. Point is i have to let him go. He doesn't want this at all anymore. He doesn't love me and i can't change his mind. no matter what i do. no matter what i say. His feelings changed. It's all over. It hurts!!! :'(
I can't keep writing...what am i doing. just hurting myself. Point is i have to let him go. He doesn't want this at all anymore. He doesn't love me and i can't change his mind. no matter what i do. no matter what i say. His feelings changed. It's all over. It hurts!!! :'(
Thursday, September 23, 2010
Thank you for this evening!
You helped me a lot. Don't worry my hopes are still on the ground, but i feel so much better. I came and wrote an apology message to everyone i could, including V. After a while my mom came into my room. She asked how it went, i said fine mom, "he is still really mad, and he didn't forgive me but he said he'll be here for me when he can". we talked about a lot of things...i cried a little and got so many things out of my system. she asked why i thought i became this way. I said it just happened little by little, in part my dad, in part you, my mean brothers, school, so many little incidents, but that doesn't justify it. i have the power to turn back and i will. we washed dishes together, then studied a chapter in real estate...we went our rooms at 12:20. I said "momma give me my hug" she walked back, we hugged, and i gave her a kiss on the cheek. i am planning on working tomorrow. I am going in at 9am. wish me luck. I love you so much Mattie. Goodnight!
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
On Sunday morning after my mom brought me home she left me in the room talking to you i don't recall at what time but i went to the kitchen and grabbed a knife. Raul was in the dining room, i thought he hadn't noticed. I came back to my room and tried but it seemed so hard. I didn't do anything but a tiny little cut. Just then i heard Raul telling my mom I had grabbed a knife. They came rushing banged on my door...I put the knife under my bed and opened the door...they searched till they found it then they called the cops.
cops got here, kept asking me questions. i kept being sarcastic, i didn't like the officer. then two other cops came in and they were both Hispanic and they got me to talk, after a small chat i agreed to go with them...i walked outside and got in the car by myself. They drove me to the USC emergency medical room.
I got there at 6:45, they told me to take all my clothes, shoes, jewelry, etc. off and put on a gown and socks...then they walked me to a room with 6 beds on opposite sides of the wall. one wall was for males and another for females... they put me on the first bed. i just sat on the bed for a couple of hours just looking around, i was really scared.
next to me was a 60yr old lady named Marylin that was sent by her daughter because the lady kept saying she wanted to die. she was smiling when she was saying that but i understood her she said "i'm old, and in pain of course i want to die" then two beds were empty and in the last two there where two hispanic ladies...one was pregnant. across the room in the corner there was 37yr old woman named Elizabeth.
Like at 10am they brought in a guy who looked like Tony's age and sat him across the room...
i asked the nurse if i could make a call...i called my mom told her where i was at then i called you and left a voice mail.
like at 2pm the doctor called me into the visitors room which is where they interview us he asked "why are you here?" i said "i got into an argument with my boyfriends mom and said something i shouldn't have and i felt so much guilt and regret that i couldn't think of anything else to do. so i grabbed the knife, but i didn't do anything as you can see" he asked me so many questions are you depressed?, do you want to kill yourself?, do you hear voices?, etc... i kept saying no to everything...he said "you seem fine but it all depends on the evening doctor if we are going to discharge you or not" he sent me back to bed.
after a while the guy started waving at me i turned to see him and he was saying something but i couldnt hear him...i was like what? so he beckoned...i asked the nurse if i could sit next to him she said "no, that side is for males" but since he was the only male there she said i can move your bed to that side but i must leave one bed in between you guys. so we both said that was fine. once my bed was moved he asked me why was i there i told him the reason then i asked him the same he said he went out to the club and found out his girlfriend who had recently broke up with him had a new boyfriend so when he got home like at 6am he was just crying and told his dad "i rather die than feel this pain" then he said he went to grab a knife but to cut an orange and his dad followed him telling him he was stupid for crying for a girl. so he got angry and threw the knife to the wall and the orange to another...thats when his pregnant sister called the cops. the cops took him to a jail cell first then they took him to the emergency room.
i was there all sunday, and monday till 3pm...they gave us hospital food. at 9am, 12pm, and 5pm. we could use the restroom anytime. if we wanted water we had to ask the nurse. i would sleep like 20 mins. be awake for a long time then sleep another 15-20mins. i asked for a sleeping pill at 3am.
the next day the pregnant lady across the room asked me why was i there...i told her depression and you? she said she was told that her baby was going to be born with an illness so she went crazy...she had been there for 4 days...but she said the time she was there she thought about it and said to herself if god sent me this baby like this its for a rson and its not his fault. so i will have and love him regardless...
after a while alot of males started coming in so they moved Elizabeth and i back to the left side of the room. then i started talking to her..."why are you here" i asked. she said im addicted to marijuana and im homeless so i walk in here every once in a while. its better than being on the streets. i'm tired of living like this. i wish i had someone who cared enough for me to lend me a hand and help me pick myself up again. i wish i could find that special person, to fall in love again. my last boyfriend used to beat me up all the time and the las time i saw him he beat me up and raped me. i cant see two of my children anymore and the oldest one doesnt want to see me he hates me for the things ive done.
talking to this lady made me realize what i had (before realizing i actually didnt have it anymore)
in my mind i was like im so glad i already met that person...and once i get back home im going to propose to him and make things right and everything will get better from now on before i didn't believe in love or i was too scared i refused to fall in love but talking to her made me realize i had nothing to be scared of...i had what she would die for.
i took a nap...when i woke they were taking Flavio away...they already had him strapped to the mobile bed...he looked at me and said...the place where they were taking us is going to be the same as where we were...it was sad...not knowing where you're headed to.
about three hrs later they came to pick me up...i sat on the bed and they strapped me all down. they said were sorry but this is a policy because you are on hold for being suicidal we must strap you completely...they signed some papers and off i went they put me in an ambulance and drove me to el monte to a mental hospital called Penn Mar.
we got there they brought me out the ambulance and pushed me into the hospital...we passed by a playground just one basketball court and benches all around then went into the hospital which was basically just a narrow hallway with many rooms about 20 on each side. pushed me all the way to the nursing station where they had to sign the admittance paper for the EMT's but first this man came out of the room and checked my head to make sure i had no lice or anything of that sort. then he signed. so they let me off the bed. the emt lady said you can have the blankets we dont need them.
then they left. a nurse came out and cut the wristband from USC and gave me a new one from penn mar with my name and room number then she walked me to my room and said that's your bed. the last one on the corner there were 5 beds in that room. two were separated by a wall.
i stayed there until Tuesday afternoon like at 3pm. Horrible yet Eye-opening experience.
cops got here, kept asking me questions. i kept being sarcastic, i didn't like the officer. then two other cops came in and they were both Hispanic and they got me to talk, after a small chat i agreed to go with them...i walked outside and got in the car by myself. They drove me to the USC emergency medical room.
I got there at 6:45, they told me to take all my clothes, shoes, jewelry, etc. off and put on a gown and socks...then they walked me to a room with 6 beds on opposite sides of the wall. one wall was for males and another for females... they put me on the first bed. i just sat on the bed for a couple of hours just looking around, i was really scared.
next to me was a 60yr old lady named Marylin that was sent by her daughter because the lady kept saying she wanted to die. she was smiling when she was saying that but i understood her she said "i'm old, and in pain of course i want to die" then two beds were empty and in the last two there where two hispanic ladies...one was pregnant. across the room in the corner there was 37yr old woman named Elizabeth.
Like at 10am they brought in a guy who looked like Tony's age and sat him across the room...
i asked the nurse if i could make a call...i called my mom told her where i was at then i called you and left a voice mail.
like at 2pm the doctor called me into the visitors room which is where they interview us he asked "why are you here?" i said "i got into an argument with my boyfriends mom and said something i shouldn't have and i felt so much guilt and regret that i couldn't think of anything else to do. so i grabbed the knife, but i didn't do anything as you can see" he asked me so many questions are you depressed?, do you want to kill yourself?, do you hear voices?, etc... i kept saying no to everything...he said "you seem fine but it all depends on the evening doctor if we are going to discharge you or not" he sent me back to bed.
after a while the guy started waving at me i turned to see him and he was saying something but i couldnt hear him...i was like what? so he beckoned...i asked the nurse if i could sit next to him she said "no, that side is for males" but since he was the only male there she said i can move your bed to that side but i must leave one bed in between you guys. so we both said that was fine. once my bed was moved he asked me why was i there i told him the reason then i asked him the same he said he went out to the club and found out his girlfriend who had recently broke up with him had a new boyfriend so when he got home like at 6am he was just crying and told his dad "i rather die than feel this pain" then he said he went to grab a knife but to cut an orange and his dad followed him telling him he was stupid for crying for a girl. so he got angry and threw the knife to the wall and the orange to another...thats when his pregnant sister called the cops. the cops took him to a jail cell first then they took him to the emergency room.
i was there all sunday, and monday till 3pm...they gave us hospital food. at 9am, 12pm, and 5pm. we could use the restroom anytime. if we wanted water we had to ask the nurse. i would sleep like 20 mins. be awake for a long time then sleep another 15-20mins. i asked for a sleeping pill at 3am.
the next day the pregnant lady across the room asked me why was i there...i told her depression and you? she said she was told that her baby was going to be born with an illness so she went crazy...she had been there for 4 days...but she said the time she was there she thought about it and said to herself if god sent me this baby like this its for a rson and its not his fault. so i will have and love him regardless...
after a while alot of males started coming in so they moved Elizabeth and i back to the left side of the room. then i started talking to her..."why are you here" i asked. she said im addicted to marijuana and im homeless so i walk in here every once in a while. its better than being on the streets. i'm tired of living like this. i wish i had someone who cared enough for me to lend me a hand and help me pick myself up again. i wish i could find that special person, to fall in love again. my last boyfriend used to beat me up all the time and the las time i saw him he beat me up and raped me. i cant see two of my children anymore and the oldest one doesnt want to see me he hates me for the things ive done.
talking to this lady made me realize what i had (before realizing i actually didnt have it anymore)
in my mind i was like im so glad i already met that person...and once i get back home im going to propose to him and make things right and everything will get better from now on before i didn't believe in love or i was too scared i refused to fall in love but talking to her made me realize i had nothing to be scared of...i had what she would die for.
i took a nap...when i woke they were taking Flavio away...they already had him strapped to the mobile bed...he looked at me and said...the place where they were taking us is going to be the same as where we were...it was sad...not knowing where you're headed to.
about three hrs later they came to pick me up...i sat on the bed and they strapped me all down. they said were sorry but this is a policy because you are on hold for being suicidal we must strap you completely...they signed some papers and off i went they put me in an ambulance and drove me to el monte to a mental hospital called Penn Mar.
we got there they brought me out the ambulance and pushed me into the hospital...we passed by a playground just one basketball court and benches all around then went into the hospital which was basically just a narrow hallway with many rooms about 20 on each side. pushed me all the way to the nursing station where they had to sign the admittance paper for the EMT's but first this man came out of the room and checked my head to make sure i had no lice or anything of that sort. then he signed. so they let me off the bed. the emt lady said you can have the blankets we dont need them.
then they left. a nurse came out and cut the wristband from USC and gave me a new one from penn mar with my name and room number then she walked me to my room and said that's your bed. the last one on the corner there were 5 beds in that room. two were separated by a wall.
i stayed there until Tuesday afternoon like at 3pm. Horrible yet Eye-opening experience.
Today I'm starting this blog for you, you want nothing to do with me anymore and i understand, but i know it will be hard specially since you have been the one person that i trusted and loved the most for these past 4 1/2 years. Whenever i feel the urge to call or text you i will write. whenever i miss you i will write. i hope one day you read this....i hope we read this together and laugh a it. *sigh* i don't think it'll happen but that's all i have now memories, dreams, and a little bit of hope. they say you never realize what you have until it's gone but i always knew what i had, i always knew you were special, i knew that if i ever got married it'd be to you if i ever had kids they'd be yours but i was always too scared and stubborn to make the next step. I never let myself completely give in to love. Carlos, my heart, my love, my life! I am sorry for everything bad i ever did and said to you. I am paying the consequences now and if your happy i will try to be happy for you.
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