XOXO

Hey Babe. I'm so glad we're together. I'm at a point right now that i feel so in love. I'm so happy because i never thought I'd feel true love in my life. we've been "together" about 5 yrs now and all along though my feelings for you we're true i never really felt satisfied. i always felt like something was missing like i was missing out on life for being with you. in my mind you were not the one. it sucks but that's how i saw it. I don't know if i fell in love with you or if i was always in love and didn't know how to interpret it. i like to think i always was. and finally realized it. it would make me sad to think that i really would never experience what loving someone truly madly deeply would feel like. but now i know thanks to you. you know how you say i make your ex or your weird friends seem like angels compared to me not in those words but you get me right?. well compared to the feelings i have for you, any feelings i thought i had before are insignificant. the "pain" they caused me seems like a tiny prick compared to immense heartbreak i felt when i was losing you. the "love" i felt for them is nothing absolutely nothing compared to the feelings i have for you now. all of that was BS. i don't even consider them. i don't miss them don't love them don't hate them don't feel anything I'm indifferent. before it was a big deal because i met you at 19 and all the "heart break" and "love" was fresh but now after 6 yrs. i hardly remember those people. i have short term memory and the only thing in it is you :)  all i know right now is that i want to spent the rest of my life with you. and if i ever missed out on anything it was enjoying, loving, appreciating you to the max in the last 5 yrs. if i could go back boy would i change everything. except for the good times. you are the best thing that has happened to me. punk ass. i never saw me being this cheesy. but i guess this is love <3 and if i was a bit bitchy today it's only because i was a little jealous. i hate admitting it. i trust you i just don't trust skanky hos. feel me? lol.

Let it die and get out of my mind
We don't see eye to eye
Or hear ear to ear

Don't you wish that we could forget that kiss
And see this for what it is
That we're not in love

The saddest part of a broken heart
Isn't the ending so much as the start

It was hard to tell just how I felt
To not recognize myself
I started to fade away

And after all it won't take long to fall in love
Now I know what I don't want
I learned that with you

The saddest part of a broken heart
Isn't the ending so much as the start
The tragedy starts from the very first spark
Losing your mind for the sake of your heart
The saddest part of a broken heart
Isn't the ending so much as the start

"You never leave someone behind, You take a part of them with you, And you leave a part of yourself behind"

Missing You

I miss you too much. I'm trying to be strong. So far i'm failing.

 "If you go away, as i know you must. There is nothing left in this world to trust. Just an empty room, full of empty space, like the empty look i see on your face. And I'd be the shadow of your shadow, if you might have kept me by your side. If you go away, If you go away...."

Last night I lost all hope. I went to work at12pm. I was fine most of the day, I missed him all day, but in the evening i started to miss him so much more. I felt like I couldn't breathe, not until i saw him again. I text him, asked if i could see him. He replied with a cold "No". right away i started tearing but i wiped my tears and tried hard to hide it. My mom noticed and asked me what had happened i said "nothing" and walked to the restroom so she wouldn't see me. when i came out she asked "It was a text huh? i saw you looking at your phone" i said no. she grabbed my phone from the drawer under the cash register and started going through the messages. I had already erased them, so she didn't find anything. Then she said "If you feel that bad why don't you text him? Send him a nice message it's not going to hurt him". If only she knew. I felt so bad but decided to give it another try. What's the worst that can happen, he'll reject me again? not like i can hurt much more. I made up my mind not to get my hopes up, and I sent him another text, "coffee and a cigarette? 30mins only." He replied "you closed?" I didn't expect that, so it made me a smile...i will see him! i asked him to pick me up at 8:30, he did, The first thing he said when i got in his truck was "you have to stop this". We went to Winchell's. We spent many nights at that coffee shop when we first met, 4 1/2 years ago. So many great memories. My first GREAT KISS, the kind that make you feel like you're floating. I also asked him to be my boyfriend there. We went inside, got our coffees, got out. We sat in the back of his truck. again he said "you have to stop this".............

I can't keep writing...what am i doing. just hurting myself. Point is i have to let him go. He doesn't want this at all anymore. He doesn't love me and i can't change his mind. no matter what i do. no matter what i say. His feelings changed. It's all over. It hurts!!!  :'(

I am a "Rock bottom riser"